Eyeglasses – Why we feel embarrassed wearing them

“Just tell him we now use microwaves,” my mother jokingly advised me, when I came home sobbing, because some kid called me a “four burner gas stove”. I decided glasses are the devil’s tools and ditched them for good. I was ten. The next decade or so was spent being in denial about my poor vision or the fact that I need to wear eyeglasses 24/7. 

In high school, during classes, I was forced to put them on so I can see what’s written on the blackboard. Same thing in college and later, at work. In the rest of the time, I kept them sealed in their little case like a dirty secret. Nobody had to know I was blind like a bat. “Stop being so vain. One day you’ll slip on a banana peel and break your leg,” my best friend, a lifelong, diligent eyeglass wearer, warned me one day, after I confessed her I mistook a random stranger for a coworker. Her comment left me untroubled; I was vain after all.

Ignoring myopia though came at a high price. I lived in a wishy-washy world, where squinting allowed me to see only faceless people and bland trees or buildings. Turns out, I’m hardly unique. A recently survey by MediaPost Communication on behalf of Bausch & Lomb, one of the world's largest suppliers of eye health products, found an unusual reason people refuse to wear glasses. Apparently, “the simple act of putting on reading glasses makes women feel old”. Moreover, “thirty-two percent of women who wear them actually feel 'annoyed' by having to wear them in public”. 

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Surprisingly, Google’s attempt to build a new reputation for glasses, upgrading them from “quirky” to “cool” was a major fail. According to a survey from LoveMyVouchers.co.uk, 68% of people would be too embarrassed to wear 600 $ dollars Google Glass –which offers hands-free access to photos, videos, messaging, web-surfing and apps – in public. 70 per cent of respondents feared about being filmed without permission. Others, like Dr. Tsontcho Ianchulev, lead author of a research letter concerning Google Glass, and a clinical associate professor at University of California, San Francisco, complained of “almost having a car accident”, as a result of blind spots created by this product.

No matter the source of general apprehension surrounding glasses, just like with braces, there’s little encouragement from public figures. Look no further than Hollywood. An array of beauties including Jennifer Aniston, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner and Megan Fox are eyeglass wearers, but you’ll never see them walking down the red carpet with a “geekie” look. 

Modern authors shy away from glasses too. J.K. Rowling, for instance, explained why Harry Potter wear them:

“I had glasses all though my childhood and I was sick and tired of the person in the books who wore the glasses was always the brainy one and it really irritated me and I wanted to read about a hero wearing glasses”. Despite still needing help with her own sight, Rowling appeared with her eyes “naked” in an interview with Oprah.

What about cartoon characters? The ones who have some sort of glasses are usually portrayed as being smart, yet weirdos. Think Dexter, Velma from Scooby-Doo or, more recently, Edna Mode and the Minions. No matter how cute they came across on screen, no one wants to emulate them in real life.

Ultimately, needing glasses is a sign of physical weakness. One has no problem hiding a kidney condition, for example, but good luck trying to fake a great vision.

Besides, glasses can really get in the way of daily routine. Have you ever tried making out, playing sports, sleeping or taking a walk in the rain while caring something on the top of your nose? It’s downright frustrating. 
Fortunately, perks far outweigh disadvantages. The number of studies emphasizing them is overwhelming.  One claims that people who wear glasses are usually smarter and attractive, especially men, which in return leads to higher chances to get a job. 

That's music to the ears of nearly 126 million Americans who, like me, were probably teased for wearing eyeglasses. I'm going to reflect on this, while cleaning the smudges on my lenses. Because at the end of the day, all we want is to feel accepted, four-eyed and all.

A Thanksgiving challenge - being grateful for adversity

With an empty refrigerator staring back at us, the twelve-pound turkey we bought last week from Target, saving it for Thanksgiving meal, suddenly called our names. A stuffing of vegetables on their last leg followed by a good butter and seasoning massage made for an exquisite meal. My husband helped setting the table, while I garnished the mash potatoes and gravy with fresh parsley. We sat down. “Wait! I know it’s not technically Thanksgiving, but I feel we suppose to say something”, I sputtered with my fork up in the air.

The last couple of weeks offered us plenty to give thanks for. Better paid jobs, birthday cocktails at a fancy rooftop lounge, nice clothes, good health, daily reasons to laugh. And while we are certainly grateful for all this, we couldn’t help looking back at the not-so-happy recent moments. It didn’t seem fair to sweep them under the carpet. After all, making peace with adversity is key to a happy, meaningful life.

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George Bonanno, a Columbia University Professor of Clinical Psychology studied the way people respond to traumatic experiences, like 9/11 terrorist attack for example, and found those who didn’t give in to depression had a stronger power of emotional self-healing.“Bad things happen,” says Bonanno. “Resilience is a natural part of our life.”

But conquering problems rather than ignoring them became particularly hard in the last decades, mainly because of all the hype surrounding positivism thinking. Oprah has nudged her audience for years to keep a gratitude journal. “I believe that if you concentrate on what you have, you’ll end up having more,” says the mastermind behind OWN TV.

Being grateful for adversity and turning it into advantage though it’s a different story. It very much resembles origami. Folding a square of paper to look like a dragon requires a great deal of willpower, but it sure feels good when you’re done.

Years ago when I met my husband, one of the first things he noticed was my hardcore negativism. When he followed me to college, instead of being relieved, I panicked thinking a bigger city provides more opportunities for cheating. When I first decided to shift my thoughts, I practiced detachment. But acting like a block of ice whenever problems arose wasn’t very efficient. Later, I progressed by asking myself questions like “Do things look as bad as I imagined?” or “How can I turn this into my advantage?”.

According to a new research published last month in the Cell Press journal Neuron, that’s the best mind set when having a rough day. Dr. Mauricio Delgado, Associate Professor of Psychology at Rutgers University in New Jersey and his colleagues found people are more likely to persist in goals when they have a sense of control over their setbacks and correct mistakes.

Besides, sometimes the worst and embarrassing moments end up being great memories. The girl who initially turned down your invitation to prom? She may become your wife in a couple of years. Recently lost your job? That gives you time to focus on making music, which might eventually lead to fame.

This 2003 Review of General Psychology article by W. Richard Walker perfectly explains why people tend to have a positive outlook on past memories. They “perceive events in their lives to more often be pleasant than unpleasant” plus “the affect [feeling or emotion] associated with unpleasant events fades faster than the affect associated with pleasant events”.

So before digging into Thanksgiving feast, challenge yourself. Count your blessings, but don’t forget to give thanks for troubles too. They push your limits. They break your shell. They set you free.

You probably won’t marry your soul mate. Get over it!

My husband, 31, is also my high school sweetheart. This year, on August 15, we blew out candles on our ninth year of relationship and fourth of marriage. It was pretty amazing. Judging by all modern society’s beliefs - even mine, for a long period of time – we must be soul mates or at least BFFs. And this is not entirely a wrong assumption. But it’s also far from the truth.

 

Yes, we do love and respect each other; the whole shebang one supposed to feel when married. On the other hand, there have been plenty of times when I deadpanned: “You think it’s too late to get a divorce?” You see, when we tied the knot, I was a college freshman, who blindly believed in the infamous notion of soul mates. Over the years, though, I got a reality check: there’s no such thing. 

Like me, millions had fallen into the same trap. America is slowly becoming “the cat lady”, according to data used by Bureau of Labor Statistics in September’s job market-report. For the first time in 38 years, more than 50% of American adult population is single. Particularly the young ones. Financial and social implications set aside, that should be exhilarating news for everyone who seeks a life partner. It’s quite the opposite, actually.

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These young men and women choose to turn up their noses at hundreds of potential lovers for fear of missing out on something better; their soul mates. This discovery was made in 2001, by Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project team, who conducted a survey among 20-somethings. "They [88 percent] believe there is one special person out there just for you and all you have to do is find him or her," said David Popenoe, the professor who oversight the survey. This is a too simplistic view, he believes. 

And I couldn’t agree more. Take our couple, for example: we engage in at least two superficial fights per week, meaning no yelling or verbal attacks occurs. The usual bones of contention are plain silly – the remote control, a sink full of dry toothpaste or nagging, to name a few. Just reading this make me cringe. At first, every clash between the two of us left me doubtful: “Is our marriage falling apart?”

These days, close to 90% of time we live in harmony. Whenever we do fight, we accept it and move on. Simple, yet effective.   

"The worst thing to do is to keep it in, not talk about the problem, brood about it, and be continuously angry," says Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus at the University of Michigan School of Public Health. His study, released in 2008, revealed that couples who don’t express anger live a lot less than those who do.

Knowing this, it should come as no surprise that true love and soul-mating – aka perfection - hardly ever overlap. If you agree romance is not a perfectly round lollipop, but a delicious chocolate truffle with lumps and bumps, you should probably go on as many dates as you can. Then settle down with one person. The one whose flaws you think you can live with for many years. A lifetime, if you’re lucky.

Boxed-in by psychologists? Find your own sweet spot

 

Ever since I can remember, I scurried away from people I strongly dislike. If a cashier snapped at me once, be sure you’ll never catch me at his line. Whenever I sense the slightest trace of irony or patronize from someone I just met, I’ll make sure to avoid them like plague and never bump into each other. It’s also torture to act normal or even smile when I really feel like swearing. 

 

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But after living like this for years, I began running out of options. The list of people and places meeting all my self-imposed criteria was getting shorter and shorter. I felt deprived. Like being on a gluten-free diet, while watching everybody else indulging in cake and cookies. On the other hand, those who passed the test saw me as an over-sharer, an extrovert as its best. Goofing around, laughing loud, cracking jokes, bursting with confidence; I was torn between two worlds.

Turn out I’m not a weirdo after all. A recent study, published in the Psychological Science sheds some light on a new type of personality: ambiverts. Researcher Adam Grant of The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, the one who conducted this study, is basically saying is that ambiverts - a perfect hybrid between introverts and extroverts- are having the best of both worlds. Grant describes these people as “just enough assertive and enthusiastic”, yet not “overly confident or excited”. Apparently, they or should I say I would make a good salesman.

For millions of people like me, thought, things are far more complex than psychologist could ever imagine. When boxing people into a category or another, you risk creating more turmoil. How do I know I’ve crossed the line from being an ambivert to being an extrovert? Do I need to seek isolation for three month in a row before I can be labeled as an introvert? What about parties? Am I allowed to attend a baby shower followed by a bar mitzvah and still consider myself a lonesome?

Instead of struggling to define what I feel, I strive to make peace with my shortcomings and balanced them out. I temper myself before sharing how much I earn with my friends. I breathe deep and repeat my “Nobody wants you any harm” mantra each time I suspect people talked behind my back. At the end of the day, whether you’re an extrovert, an introvert or a bit of both, what really matters is not letting natural tendencies getting in your way. But don’t squash them either; find a sweet spot.