A Thanksgiving challenge - being grateful for adversity

With an empty refrigerator staring back at us, the twelve-pound turkey we bought last week from Target, saving it for Thanksgiving meal, suddenly called our names. A stuffing of vegetables on their last leg followed by a good butter and seasoning massage made for an exquisite meal. My husband helped setting the table, while I garnished the mash potatoes and gravy with fresh parsley. We sat down. “Wait! I know it’s not technically Thanksgiving, but I feel we suppose to say something”, I sputtered with my fork up in the air.

The last couple of weeks offered us plenty to give thanks for. Better paid jobs, birthday cocktails at a fancy rooftop lounge, nice clothes, good health, daily reasons to laugh. And while we are certainly grateful for all this, we couldn’t help looking back at the not-so-happy recent moments. It didn’t seem fair to sweep them under the carpet. After all, making peace with adversity is key to a happy, meaningful life.

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George Bonanno, a Columbia University Professor of Clinical Psychology studied the way people respond to traumatic experiences, like 9/11 terrorist attack for example, and found those who didn’t give in to depression had a stronger power of emotional self-healing.“Bad things happen,” says Bonanno. “Resilience is a natural part of our life.”

But conquering problems rather than ignoring them became particularly hard in the last decades, mainly because of all the hype surrounding positivism thinking. Oprah has nudged her audience for years to keep a gratitude journal. “I believe that if you concentrate on what you have, you’ll end up having more,” says the mastermind behind OWN TV.

Being grateful for adversity and turning it into advantage though it’s a different story. It very much resembles origami. Folding a square of paper to look like a dragon requires a great deal of willpower, but it sure feels good when you’re done.

Years ago when I met my husband, one of the first things he noticed was my hardcore negativism. When he followed me to college, instead of being relieved, I panicked thinking a bigger city provides more opportunities for cheating. When I first decided to shift my thoughts, I practiced detachment. But acting like a block of ice whenever problems arose wasn’t very efficient. Later, I progressed by asking myself questions like “Do things look as bad as I imagined?” or “How can I turn this into my advantage?”.

According to a new research published last month in the Cell Press journal Neuron, that’s the best mind set when having a rough day. Dr. Mauricio Delgado, Associate Professor of Psychology at Rutgers University in New Jersey and his colleagues found people are more likely to persist in goals when they have a sense of control over their setbacks and correct mistakes.

Besides, sometimes the worst and embarrassing moments end up being great memories. The girl who initially turned down your invitation to prom? She may become your wife in a couple of years. Recently lost your job? That gives you time to focus on making music, which might eventually lead to fame.

This 2003 Review of General Psychology article by W. Richard Walker perfectly explains why people tend to have a positive outlook on past memories. They “perceive events in their lives to more often be pleasant than unpleasant” plus “the affect [feeling or emotion] associated with unpleasant events fades faster than the affect associated with pleasant events”.

So before digging into Thanksgiving feast, challenge yourself. Count your blessings, but don’t forget to give thanks for troubles too. They push your limits. They break your shell. They set you free.