You probably won’t marry your soul mate. Get over it!

My husband, 31, is also my high school sweetheart. This year, on August 15, we blew out candles on our ninth year of relationship and fourth of marriage. It was pretty amazing. Judging by all modern society’s beliefs - even mine, for a long period of time – we must be soul mates or at least BFFs. And this is not entirely a wrong assumption. But it’s also far from the truth.

 

Yes, we do love and respect each other; the whole shebang one supposed to feel when married. On the other hand, there have been plenty of times when I deadpanned: “You think it’s too late to get a divorce?” You see, when we tied the knot, I was a college freshman, who blindly believed in the infamous notion of soul mates. Over the years, though, I got a reality check: there’s no such thing. 

Like me, millions had fallen into the same trap. America is slowly becoming “the cat lady”, according to data used by Bureau of Labor Statistics in September’s job market-report. For the first time in 38 years, more than 50% of American adult population is single. Particularly the young ones. Financial and social implications set aside, that should be exhilarating news for everyone who seeks a life partner. It’s quite the opposite, actually.

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These young men and women choose to turn up their noses at hundreds of potential lovers for fear of missing out on something better; their soul mates. This discovery was made in 2001, by Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project team, who conducted a survey among 20-somethings. "They [88 percent] believe there is one special person out there just for you and all you have to do is find him or her," said David Popenoe, the professor who oversight the survey. This is a too simplistic view, he believes. 

And I couldn’t agree more. Take our couple, for example: we engage in at least two superficial fights per week, meaning no yelling or verbal attacks occurs. The usual bones of contention are plain silly – the remote control, a sink full of dry toothpaste or nagging, to name a few. Just reading this make me cringe. At first, every clash between the two of us left me doubtful: “Is our marriage falling apart?”

These days, close to 90% of time we live in harmony. Whenever we do fight, we accept it and move on. Simple, yet effective.   

"The worst thing to do is to keep it in, not talk about the problem, brood about it, and be continuously angry," says Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus at the University of Michigan School of Public Health. His study, released in 2008, revealed that couples who don’t express anger live a lot less than those who do.

Knowing this, it should come as no surprise that true love and soul-mating – aka perfection - hardly ever overlap. If you agree romance is not a perfectly round lollipop, but a delicious chocolate truffle with lumps and bumps, you should probably go on as many dates as you can. Then settle down with one person. The one whose flaws you think you can live with for many years. A lifetime, if you’re lucky.