Your Valentine’s Day? None of my business

Last week, while on a break at work, a friend asked me what seems to be the most pressing question of the month: “So, how are you planning to spend Valentine’s Day?”  Her hushed, secretive voice, suggested she expected me to come up with something naughty, illegal even.

In the past, this issue would have been a no-brainer. Nowadays, when my husband and I are close to celebrating four years of marriage and a total of nine being in a romantic relationship, it prompts me to search deeper for answers. All too often, when facing the same query, people end up taking sides.

Usually, older couples think something along the lines of “It’s just another Hallmark holiday”, while new sweethearts can’t seem to get enough of the “roses and chocolate covered strawberries” trend. Why, though, make a debate out of a tradition initially designed to be filled with, well, love.

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I’m the first to admit that my teenage self still gets thrilled to the idea of dinner and flowers kind of Valentine’s Day date. Most women I know feel the same, but that doesn’t make us shallow. It makes us human. It’s particularly hard to resist such temptations when you’re being bombarded, a month in advance, with flashy reminders from your local stores, TV shows and Facebook friends.

Five or seven years ago I would’ve succumbed to this pressure, forcing myself to dress up and lock away my inner homebody. A couple Valentine’s Days ago, I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable on our way to a restaurant nearby. My bum was freezing in an otherwise cute skirt; my feet, normally happy in sneakers, were wobbling on high heels. I ended snapping at my husband when he asked to top off the night with a quick stroll around the neighborhood. 

At the other end of the spectrum, the dearest recollections I have of this holiday from recent years are the ones requiring two ingredients - pjs and beer.

What changed over time is the emotional journey with a man I now call husband.  It nudges me to focus on something other than what people might expect me to do on this day.

Like the way he cared for me last week. A horrible cold kept me bed ridden and I was frantically sneezing into my pillows, sheets and pretty much every piece of fabric I could find around the house. Or how he surprised me on January first of 2015 by waiting outside the building I work in with a bunch of flowers gently tucked in his coat.

That’s not to say Valentine’s Day should be scratch off the American holidays list or any other country for that matter. If you can name at least one person you love (your family members included), then you have endless reasons to celebrate it. It’s none of anyone’s business whether you choose to do that at home, watching Netflix, or in a fancy restaurant, popping champagne. As cheesy as it sounds, love is all that matters. 

The terrible way people shun grief after a breakup

   

Let’s say you’re about to run your first ultra-marathon - which is usually nothing less than 30 miles. They say it is just as hard and exciting as it sounds.

 A dozen of race medals are already neatly line up on a wooden hanger, in your bedroom, but this one will be special. You want it so badly you spare no effort to assure your success. 

So you prepare your workout gear every night before bedtime, wake up at 5 am to do those grueling tempo-runs before going to office, religiously track macros using fancy apps and chug loads of not-so-tasty protein powder concoctions. Despite sacrifices, pounding the pavement feels right and it gives you a purpose. Running makes you a better friend, a more patient parent, and a supportive co-worker.

People who ran similar distances in the past swear it will be the most difficult, yet rewarding experience of your life. You’ll cry a little, laugh a little and you’ll probably reach some mental breakthroughs along the way. 

Just days before, the race is cancelled without noticed. “Oh, and forget about the refund”, a squeaky voice bluntly announces over the phone. “Why?” “How can it be possible?” “I was so close?” All that enthusiasm bubbling inside you is washed down by an ocean of desolation.

That’s basically how being dumped on the way to the altar must feel. Only multiplied by a thousand. But the traditional way people used to cope with such fiascos (gallons of ice cream and floods of tears) has taken a turn for the better. Or so it seems. 

Between August and December 2014, two men and a woman became famous after going public with their breakups or for calling off their weddings. The more heartbreaking the stories, the more viral they became.

However, it took a lot more than just an e-mail to a producer or editor for an intimate, not to mention pretty common event like a split up between two ordinary people to become a TV sensation. Just like in a romantic comedy plot, they had to convert their own misery into a spectacle that will either make people go “Aww!” or cheerfully shout “Hell, yeah!” 

Take the example of Phil Laboon from Pittsburg.

At the end of August 2014, he appeared on People.com, Daily Mail and even on CBS This Morning, though not because he’s the CEO of an Internet marketing company. Not even close. Mr. Laboon, 32, became widely known as “the guy who broke up with his fiancée and turned their $15,000 reception into a fundraiser”.  “It was obviously pretty heartbreaking for everybody involved,” he told CBS Pittsburgh, adding that it “ended up becoming a really good scenario". The money he managed to raise went to Surgicorp, an organization providing free surgery in developing countries.

Another guy who became suspiciously generous when suddenly found himself single?  Jordan Axani. This handsome, 28, Canadian guy, came up with an idea that could easily trump many top-notch marketing strategies. His offer? An around-the-world trip, which was initially planned to be taken this past Christmas with his now ex-girlfriend, Elizabeth Gallagher. Changing a name on the ticket was almost impossible, so Axani started looking for a vacation companion with the same name as his previous date and a Canadian passport. “It’s just about a ticket not going to waste”, he explained. The announcement grew famous beyond Canadian borders into America and soon enough he stumble upon a perfect candidate. They are already back, though no signs of love butterflies.

Likewise, Shelby Swink, 23, did interviews for several TV shows including “Today Show” and was featured in several newspapers such as Huffington Post after destroying her wedding dress with paint. This was meant to be a cathartic experience. A counter reaction to being left by her college sweetheart five days before saying “I do” in their hometown, Memphis, Tennessee.

“I felt free of sadness, free of disappointment, free of anger”, she claimed. Pictures of Shelby covered in a rainbow of paint, flexing her biceps like a warrior goddess, are now being used as an example by feminist advocates who call her gesture “empowering”. It’s also philanthropic. The dress was displayed for a few weeks in a local bridal shop in Memphis, which donated a portion of its sales to local nonprofit called Be Free Revolution. 

In the process of healing their love wounds, all three, Laboon, Axani and Swink received hundreds of marriage proposals and gained thousands of Facebook friends; even a movie deal for Axani. That’s not to say they don’t suffer. Quite the opposite actually. After a breakup, any human heart goes through various stages on the road to recovery. One of them being grief. But can they really feel the scientific proven stinging pain in their chests or perhaps get to the roots of their separation while constantly rushing to appear on-air? Can speaking to reporters, no matter how friendly and well-intended, replace the need for a deeper conversation with a specialist? Not really. 

Studies show that grieving, which can take up to several years in case of a death loss, is a normal step when curing heartache, see postdoctoral research at Brown University. More importantly, skipping grief can backfire later. 

“We might like to skip grief, but we cannot. Even when we can temporarily deny our pain, it still exists. It may eventually erupt, maybe at an inappropriate moment or during another upset or illness”, points out Judy Tatelbaum, an expert on overcoming grief and emotional suffering. So, sure, throwing a breakup party with your closest friends and family might be a good idea. Making it a national matter, however, could have the same effect as using pain relieving gels to numb a rooting tooth. It will still hurt like hell after a couple of hours.

Mom, are we there yet?

   

Parents worldwide are reinventing the notion of family trips by logging hundreds of adventuresome days and miles across the Globe with only a backpack. Are children better off in a swinging hammock or sleeping in a cozy, predictable bed?

 

Imagine being 15 and waking up in a tent, your dad gently humming while studying a map, your mom chopping fresh bananas over peanut butter sandwiches. Mid yawn, distant elephant trumpets break the silence. Finally, your brain catches up with a shocking, yet exciting reality. You are in a South African national park, just one electric fence away from hundreds of wild animals. That’s probably what happened to Miles Maurer, a ninth grader from Flagstaff, AZ, who embarked on a 10-month trip around the world along with his adventurous parents and 12 year old sister. 

Their project is hardly unique. More and more parents are putting a spin on traditional family trips, by driving, biking and even sailing across the Globe. But the bravest thing of all is taking their kids on board. Sometimes, as many as 9 kids are along for the adventure, like in the case of this so-called "full-time RVing" family.

 

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What do these families have in common? Blogs. A large part of their journey is documented via online diaries with moms being the main storytellers. Though they are willing to share their struggles with road-schooling or a tight budget, other troubles remain private.  How long, for instance, can a child last living on the road, before home-sickness strikes? What do you do when he or she longs for a best friend? Or worse, when they’re sick and you’re camped in an Asian remote village?

Most nomad parents like to think of these as rare occurrences; nothing can diminish the importance of equipping kids with valuable lessons and physical skills.

Maurers are no exception. 

When the family was featured in this New York Times article, a couple of months ago, Miles mentioned that “it’s much more impacting to learn about the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia than in class”. “It’s difficult to disagree”, writes Seth Kugel, the author.

And it sure is, especially with a bunch of studies showing kids who travel do better in life. Keith Bellows, editor in chief of National Geographic Traveler magazine, went so far as to say “the passport is the new diploma”.

 

They are all, to a great extent, right. Watching zebras on a iPad, in a regular classroom, doesn’t measure up to observing these wild animals from the window of a Land Rover, a staple activity during African safaris. But it’s a whole lot safer.

For every study out there reinforcing the importance of traveling for child development, there are also legitimate threats lurking at every step of an international expedition. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention mentions abduction, infectious diseases – Malaria, Yellow Fever- and let's not forget about natural catastrophes such as tornadoes or tsunamis.

                                                         

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Sailors Eric and Charlotte Kaufman learned it the hard way. They needed to be rescued earlier this year, while sailing from Mexico to New Zeeland, after their youngest daughter Lyra, age 1, became seriously ill and the boat’s power and steering malfunctioned. According to the New York Times, “the rescue involved three state and federal agencies and had California Air National Guardsmen parachuting from airplanes into open waters”.

The joy of being alive was shadowed by a major public backlash for putting daughters in danger. However, a handful of parents stood up for them.

One woman named Diane Selkirk wrote an article for Slate.com explaining how traveling offered context for better education in case of her own daughter. “At 12 years of age, Maia’s now put in more sea hours than shopping hours and is more familiar with the stars in the sky than the ones in the tabloids. She’s graceful and self-assured, in no small part because of her unconventional childhood,” describes Diane, a Canadian writer and photographer. She goes on giving examples of other fellow travel bloggers whose lives on water seem to follow a Hollywood script. However, between blissful recollections, a bitter memory slips: “One night, when Maia was 8, a weather bomb hit our Mexican anchorage”.

Is the whole “self-development” thing worth the risk then?

Every bit, says Diane. “Yes, there is risk involved in daring to show her the world—but the alternative, the one where we never share our passions with our child and never show her the value in pursuing her own, seems far more dangerous”, she concludes. 

Perhaps, this all or nothing mentality is what endangers children going on a world tour the most. A mild form of “helicopter parenting”, attempts to control a kid’s experiences come from a place of fear. Fear that by staying at home they’re missing out precious moments. Yet, at times, what children really need is some more laid back parents and a “Life of Pi” DVD to explore the world from the safety of their bedrooms.

Is the Christmas feeling slowly dying?

For some, the robust scent of a pine tree alone is enough to get catapult right into the Christmas mood. It happens to all of us, only the trigger varies. It’s also probably the reason we have such a hard time encapsulating it in a broader definition. There is, though, one thing we can all agree on. The so-called “Christmas feeling” often brings to the surface small fragment of recollections from childhood years. Your dad breaking up a sweat over that rusty tree stand; the excitement of your siblings around presents; mom’s traditional fruit cake plus the tummy ache that usually followed it.

But in the recent years, a collective fear of losing this comforting feeling has been built up and many fingers are pointed at extreme commercialization of this holy holiday. Scientists confirm this theory. 

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According to a 2013 Pew Research Center study conducted among a sample of 2,000 adults, 33% of Americans are bothered by the materialism of Christmas and constant pressure to spend money on gifts. There’s plenty of evidence that retailers push the start of Christmas shopping season earlier each year. At this pace, stockings will be displayed on shelves in June and by August the malls will be playing carols.

But is it really fair to hold a grudge against retail giants for sucking the joy out of a religious celebration? As this Slate article explains, they have been way ahead of “Christmas Rush” since Victorian era (the period of Queen Victoria's reign from 1837 to 1901). "KEEP IT IN MIND! It is needless to remind you that CHRISTMAS IS COMING, But we want everybody who intends purchasing CHRISTMAS PRESENTS to comprehend that we are now all ready ... ", read a Nov. 19, 1885, ad by South Carolina retailer Wilhite & Wilhite. That was over a hundred years ago.

So sure, the pressure to splurge more is real, but is not the only hitch. Ironically, people fail to remember what the whole point of Christmas is - even as they hung a baby Jesus decoration in their Christmas tree or fill out their Pinterest boards with DIY angel crafts. Doing so gets them in the “mood”, they believe. 

Other thing that seems to do the trick? Being religious. According to a more recent Pew Research Center study, “Americans who attend religious services regularly are more enthusiastic about the various activities associated with the holiday season than are those who attend worship services less often”. Unfortunately, not many benefit from this

The previous year, Pew psychologists concluded: merely 51 percent of Americans viewed Christmas as more of a religious holiday than cultural. In other words, they don’t go to church or pray much. 

Also, only a small fraction of Christmas traditions had been passed on to the current generation. “Fewer Americans say they will send holiday cards this year than say their families typically did this when they were children. The share of people who plan to go caroling this year also is lower than the share who says they typically did so as children. And while about seven-in-ten Americans say they typically attended Christmas Eve or Christmas Day religious services when they were children, 54% say they plan to attend Christmas services this year”, show the researchers. 
On top of this, adults “like to believe they believed in Santa longer that they actually did,” writes Atlantic journalist, Olga Khazan referring to an AP poll from 2011. 

In the process of growing up, it seems, the holiday’s spirit wore off – kids nowadays know more about Santa then they know about God. But hope is peeking through all this gloomy statistics – and it involves sugary treats. As two Danish researchers found out in 2012, Christmas spirit is not just a “Hallmark holiday” side-effect. “This feeling arises even without pharmacological assistance, although consumption of pastries and hot drinks help sustain that feeling,” the authors mention.

It sounds like a trip to your local Dunkin' Donuts may be required to get you into a jolly mood. Just make sure to bring the whole family with you.

In their 2002 essay called “What Makes for A Merry Christmas?” psychologists Tim Kasser and Kennon M. Sheldon locked closely at how people respond to different Christmas activities – like spending time with family, decorating a tree, shopping – and measure their happiness levels. Turns out, “people who focus on the materialistic aspects of the season are probably less involved with the family and religious experiences that could bring them greater joy." More than that, Kasser and Sheldon say, going for materialistic goals is more stressful, not to mention little rewarding. Interestingly enough, being Eco-friendly offers us more joy. “We found that individuals who engaged in more environmentally friendly consumption behaviors were more satisfied during the holiday”.

The takeaway is pretty clear: “Christmas feeling” comes as a result of a conscious effort of being more emotionally and spiritually engaged. It’s OK to indulge in fancy gifts, but don’t put Amazon or eBay at the core of your Christmas spirit. Do things which comfort the heart. Say a prayer, give a hug, pay for someone’s meal, have a snowball fight, reread with your kids the story of baby Jesus. Be truly merry.